I’m a big fan of weddings. I love almost everything about them. The romantic church ceremony, the dresses, the hair, the jewellery, the champagne, the music, the candles. I love getting dressed up, and most of all, I love catching up with friends and family I don’t get a chance to see very often.

But with the good there is always some bad, and in this case, it’s’ The Kitchen Tea’, ‘The Hens Night’, and any other pre-wedding fiesta’s. The only people these things are exciting for are the bride and groom, nobody else.

Exhibit A – The Hens Night

I hate hens nights. I went away for my hen’s weekend, we hired a villa at a winery in The Hunter and drank and ate cheese for 2 days. I did this because everyone was hell bent on giving me a proper “send off” and I was dead opposed to running around the CBD with a pink veil adorned with condoms on my head. I just don’t understand the obsession.

“It’s your last night as a single woman!”

No, it’s not. I haven’t been single for 4 years. It’s not my last night of anything. I’ve now been married for four years and if I want a girls night out, I have one. Simple.

How the hens night begins…

If you feel that this really is your last night out and that after you’re married you won’t be allowed to leave the house again, then I strongly suggest cancelling the wedding.

I went to a hens night about 6 years ago and the girls had organized a “fireman” stripper for the Hen. He arrived, he was cute and had a great body. He brought along his boyfriend to press play on his portable cd player. Fantasy. Over.

Another pet hate is being asked to dress in a theme for the evening, because walking around town in a group of 17 desperate women wearing sashes and glitter in their hair isn’t noticeable enough. Lets wear SCHOOLGIRL outfits!

I’m sure a lot of ladies may disagree with me here, because its “fun” to dress up, and “fun” to be loud and obnoxious. But whats wrong with having a group dinner then going to a funky bar to have a few drinks and a chat in regular clothing?

How the hen’s night ends.

Conclusion: Strippers are pointless, costumes are uncomfortable, bathrooms are important and glitter is a bitch to get out of your hair.

Exhibit B – Kitchen Tea

Crazy Aunt Gladys never misses a Kitchen Tea

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of coffee and cake.  Maybe the biggest fan in the world, maybe.

But why must we ruin a lovely afternoon with silly games like, “how well do you know the groom?” This game is usually played by the bride to be, answering a series of pre-determined questions answered by the groom at an earlier date. Questions like, “what is your husband to be’s favourite food?” and “where was your first kiss together?”  In my opinion the answer to both should be, “who cares?!”.

My personal belief is that a kitchen tea is held for the sole reason of getting gifts from all the women that made you attend theirs. I remember not too long ago, a gift registry was frowned upon, now its expected. I’m invited to a kitchen tea in 3 weeks and there is no gift registry set up! I don’t have time to work out what you may like, just tell me.

So you have bought the gift, you have turned up to the Tea, you have drunk your coffee and eaten your cake. Time to go right? No… now you have to sit down for another 5 excruciating hours and watch the bride to be “ooh” and “ahh” as she opens all her gifts and gets swallowed by a pile of wrapping paper. Everyone claps and inspects the gifts because blenders are so interesting.

I don’t care how I get it, just give it to me.

Conclusion: Cake is good, everything else is bad.

After the trashy hens night and the greedy kitchen tea, we have a arrived at the wedding day, and suddenly the bride wants to be elegant and gracious.

Ill admit, it is your day sweetheart, but get out of my way. I need to get to the bar and down a few shots before uncle Gary spots me and makes his way over a lingering too-long kiss on the cheek/side lip.

Sneaky Uncle Gaz

Two hearts, one thought:

One small bucket of vomit, please.